So I started watching that show "Intervention," and I realized the problem with that show is that the people in it always end up getting off drugs. What's up with that, right? There's no fun there.
To combat this, I thought I'd host an intervention on my own, you know, to show them how to do it. I had three main new ideas, to improve the whole "intervention" concept.
1. I decided that, instead of inviting the family and friends of the addict, I would invite famous celebrities to help out.
2. Drinks couldn't hurt diffuse the tension.
3. Strip chess. Because, who isn't more comfortable in the nude?
Step one: Invite the stars.
I exercised my gratuitous Hollywood connections to get some real A-listers. You ready for this? I got Charlie Sheen, Courtney Love, Corey Feldman, and Eminem. That's right. Hell yes, I got connections. I figured these people were all role models for any recovering addict (I mean, have you seen Feldman's Oscar worthy performance in "Lost Boys?" Brilliant stuff).
Step two: DRINKS!!
I decided to go to the corner store down the street and purchase three crates of Four Loco, the best alcoholic energy drink of all time. I chose to go with Four Loco because of it's energizing properties.
Step three: Breaking out the chess board.
I knew I couldn't just go with the five dollar cardboard chess set I bought from the thrift store. No, I went to www.chessworld.com (yes, that is a necessary website. Why wouldn't it be?), and found absolute perfection.
FUCK YES!
That's right, a custom made King motherfucking Arthur chess set. Who's a champ? That's right, this guy.
So, after dropping the meager price of $250 on that, I thought I was ready to host the absolute best intervention of all time. But then I realized I was lacking one crucial element: A drug addict. However, that would be easily remedied. Luckily, I remembered how to cook up a nasty batch of speed in my bathtub, and thought up a couple of superb sales pitches. Soon enough, I had my interventee. A young chap named Bart Milner. He wasn't really a great person, but this intervention wasn't really for his benefit anyway. It was just to show the world what a real intervention should look like. Time to get down to business.
After briefly looking over the "twelve steps" program (complete waste of time), I prepare my living room for what will be the best intervention party ever and call Bart, telling him I have a new batch I'd like him to try out for me. Then I arrange the guests in different hiding spots, preparing to startle the addiction out of Bart, because I'm pretty sure that's how addictions work.
As soon as that guy lets himself into my house, Eminem, Ms. Love, Mr. Feldman, and Mr. Sheen jump out from their respective hiding spots and shouted "BOOOO." Bart, in a confused start, punches Courtney right in the face.
"Whoa, cool your jets, man," I tell Bart. "This is an intervention. You have a problem."
"Whatcha talkin' about? I'm fine."
"You mean the startling thing worked?"
"Wha- no. I don't have a problem, is what I mean."
"Oh. Well. That's exactly the sort of thing someone with a problem would say. Who wants to play strip chess?"
Surprisingly, not a lot of people; it takes one and a half crates of Four Loco for everyone to loosen up enough to start some strip chess. Side note: Charlie Sheen's unclothed torso is surprisingly fantastic.
Also, it turns out, Courtney Love is the best chess player of all time. Soon enough, Charlie, Cory, Eminem, Bart, and myself were in our undergarments, Eminem in his custom designed camouflage full body underwear.
We almost couldn't see him. Get it? Cause it's
camouflage.
"Okay," I say, "Now that we are in a more comfortable, less clothed state-"
"I don't think anyone's more comfortable this way, David. Can we put our clothes back on?" Charlie Sheen turns out to be kind of a pussy.
"No, Charlie. That's stupid. As I was saying, now that we are all comfortable with each other, lets all read our special letters to Bart. Courtney, as strip chess champion of the party, you can start."
"Bart, there are a lot of people who care very deeply for you, honey, and they can all see you have a problem. That's the first step in the twelve step program, and it's very crucial because-"
"Wow, Courtney. So far that's really boring. Get to the funny part."
"David, there's nothing funny about drug addiction."
"Oooookay. Corey, you are next. "
Corey is passed out in the corner, seizing and vomiting all over the place. Maybe we should have cut him off from the Four Loco a while ago.
"Eww. Yikes. We'll, uh.. We'll come back to you then. Eminem, go!"
"Alright, Bart, I wrote you this rap, I'd like to preform it right now. Here you go:
(rapping) Yo, alright, yo. Here I go again/
Bart, you gotta stop doing the meth/
Otherwise you might die of a meth/
Overdose, because if you don't quit meth/
You'll just need more and more meth/
Till you overdose on hella meth."
"Yeaaah... Eminem? That's not really a rap. At all. You just said meth at the end of each line. That's... That just isn't a rhyme. It's just the same word over and over."
"You dissin? YOU DISSIN?"
"Uhm. Kind of. Yeah, I guess I am. That was really not well thought out at all. It seems like you made it up as you went along."
"Well, yeah, of course. It's called free-stylin', yo."
"How.. How are you so respected in the hip hop community? Nevermind, doesn't matter, the message behind it was lacking anyway. You just explained that overdosing on meth is dangerous. I mean, seems kind of obvious."
At this point, I just don't care anymore. I just want to get Sheen's letter out of the way. So far this has been quite the disappointment. When I look around the room, it becomes apparent that Charlie left when he saw Feldman's current state. Pussy.
Bart seems vaguely confused by this whole situation. By now, I would have thought it was pretty obvious that this was an intervention, but oh well.
An hour in, and everyone seems bored. That's when I think of the perfect way to spice up this intervention party (now that all the Four Loco has been processed into Feldman's vomit): meth! No wonder the interventions on TV aren't any fun, there are no drugs involved. I ran into the bathroom, threw together a makeshift batch (using instructions from the FX networks hit show, Breaking Bad) and bring that out to the party goers. Five minutes after we start smoking that, my memory goes blank.
NOTE:
It is now the morning after the intervention, and no one is in sight. I woke in my back yard next to a trail of vomit that led from my living room to a mound of dirt. I think that Feldman is buried there. Not good. Also, apparently we all went out shooting last night. And I'm pretty sure Eminem and Bart shot Courtney, because I got a picture message from Em's phone that depicted Courtney with three bullet wounds in her back, and the text read "LOL just shot Courtney L. Srry man :( l8r."
So.
Best. Intervention. Ever.
